Grey Instrumental

Some people around me are aware of the fact that I decided to begin the difficult journey of writing a book. In the beginning I just fooled around with the idea of being able to do this, that anyone would not laugh me out about it, or that this could open something up for me. The idea is no longer one that I am just debating on doing, it is now in progress.

I would like to say it is going great but that’s not really something I can say. I’d like to say that in the past month that I’ve been working on it that I have a substantial amount down that add up to chapters but realistically I’ve just been bouncing around from subject to subject.

So what is 100,000 miles about? It’s about my life, mainly the past 6 years, and the years before that. It’s about who I am, where I’ve been and the lessons I’ve learned. The name of it being 100,000 Miles is about the lessons I learned while driving around in a 1996 Subaru Legacy L for three years. And those lessons were plentiful. Despite the fact that this is a book about myself and my life it’s been much more difficult to write down and relive some of those moments even harder is that in the back of my mind there are certain people who have already stated they want to read it. It’s one thing to admit the hard truths about some things I’ve seen or done and a whole other thing to admit it to those around me who have been around me during those times or are just curious as to what really happened.

Even though those struggles are before me it is still something I feel I need to do. I don’t expect this to really get anywhere but around to those who are interested, don’t expect it to land on the desk of some publisher and then pushed forward and parts of me doesn’t feel I’d ever be comfortable doing that. However, in the end this something that needs to be done, let out, and read to those whose lives were effected by the mass amount of poor choices and immaturity I’ve displayed over the years.  Who knows maybe someone out there can learn from what I’ve done and be able to skip making those same choices and be in a better position in their lives.

The way I begin writing is basically as simple as sitting down at my computer and just begin typing. Usually. I’ve found it’s easier for me to put on my headphones and just listen to some music streaming from my grooveshark account and just let the words flow from my finger tips right to the correct keys and begin unraveling the story before me. There, however, are times I get stuck and need to be able to get the strength or motivation to move forward especially if the part I am reliving is something incredibly difficult. This is where the soundtrack of 100,000 Miles comes in.

These are those certain songs that help me keep motivated, give me the push or just help set me back in the emotions I need to keep writing about what went on during that time.

Unkle feat. Gavin Clark – Falling Stars:

Run run run till you think you're made
Run run run till you're told you're safe
Run run run till you're overcome
Run run run you're the only one

This song could honestly just be the theme song to my life as running is all that I’ve ever done. Whether it did anything good or just made things worse running from everything and everyone is all I seem to ever do and that drive to still want to run is in me more now than ever.

Barenaked Ladies – Long Way Back Home:

It's a long way back home
To just about anywhere
'Cause once through the door
We're not even halfway there

This song strikes “home” for me because of everything that has gone on in my life I never really had that feeling of having a “home” anywhere. So the part of the song that is above really brings that out for me.

Elton John  - Rocket Man:

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

I think it’s the line above that really speaks to me in this song. Because while some people had an idea of what was going on with me and what was happening still people had no idea or a clue to the absolute ugly truth of it. So for that I wasn’t the same person they saw me as on the outside.

Linkin Park – Waiting For The End:

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

The first time I ever heard this song I could immediately relate to every part of the lyrics. “I know how it feels to lie, all I want to do is trade my life for something new.” The line above is what rings true more so now than when I first heard it. That past of me, the way I was living my life has to end. And now I have to start over with something all new and learning from all that I’ve done. And that is proving to be more difficult than I have ever realized.

Lupe Fiasco – Beautiful Lasers:

Gun on my table telling me to come home
Telling me to to put him inside my hand
Then put it up right next to my dome
Door keep telling me to find a reason
Anything to keep me from squeezing
Simplest things, yea you really like summer
You really like music, you really like reading, love
I can't win if it's me against me

This one to me is about the struggle to stay alive or give in and end the life around me. It’s a struggle and one that has been present in my life for as long as I can remember. One that is going on still but as I am trying to turn things around I have a lot more battle in me to stay on the better side of things.

Trading Yesterday – Shattered:

And I’ve lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong

This song signifies the plight that I have had in not turning away from God. To accepting him, allowing him into my life, and trusting his love in all that it is I do. Because, let’s face it, without him I wouldn’t be where I am today, accepting the wrongs I have done, and being able to move forward with this life I have.

Brandon Heath – Wait And See:

There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me
I'll have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet

This is another song that pretty much coincides with the last song. It’s another reminder that God isn’t done with me yet and that if I stick with him I will become who it is he wants me to become. And that, more so right now, is an awesome feeling to know that my past doesn’t have to define me but is just a stepping stone to where I am meant to go.

Trip Lee – Prognosis:

I was mentally ill, I was futile in mind;
Darkened in my understanding, was a student of crime.
Havin' eyes, couldn't see, cuz I was truthfully blind.
Having ears, couldn't hear, but couldn't do any signs.
Throat was an open grave, tongue used for the lies.
Snake venom under-lips, which I would use to divide.
Had chips on my shoulders was wounded inside.
Both my lungs collapsed; inhaled a second hand pride.
Below the waist, was just more of the same.

Another that goes along the same lines. Without allowing God into my life and allowing him to lead the direction I was meant to go in, I was dying. And by refusing the treatment, of allowing him into my life, I was creating great havoc of my life and those that I love around me.

Lupe Fiasco – Never Forget You:

We put you in the ground, but I see you in the stars
Go'n, take a bow, a round of applause
The best dad ever, always ready we are
Love always shines, that's how I'll find you
In case you forgot, I hope this reminds you

This is a song that as soon as I heard it had me remembering my grandfather who passed away in July of 2005. His role in my life was of great importance so it was no surprise that his loss caused great hurt as well. But as the years and time went on I realized a lot that I surrounded within that time to be able to work on moving on and move on for the better in order to keep his memory alive.

Kristian Leontiou – Story Of My Life:

The title and the lyrics make this one pretty self explanatory.

Justin Hines – Say What You Will:

All the time that I was holding back
Just trying to protect myself
I want you to know
I loved you more then that

Fiction Plane – If Only:

I have no blade, I’m more like a feather
But I can’t fly away when I’m fighting myself

Yes, this is the song that was to the movie “Holes.” But it’s another where the lyrics reflect towards my life. Just another song I can relate to about feeling like your life is being held down by your past.

Genesis – No Son Of Mine:

They say that time is a healer
and now my wounds are not the same
I rang that bell with my heart in my mouth
I had to hear what he'd say

This is a song that plays a huge part in my life concerning the situation between myself and my Dad for me. It’s never been a great relationship and at times I am not even sure if you can call what we have together a relationship. And despite the amount of times I’ve said I was done and not going back time and time again I have. Even after having been essentially kicked out that family. That is why this song hits home for me.

Barenaked Ladies – When I Fall:

I wish I could fly
From this building
From this wall
And if I should try
Would you catch me if I fall?

The lyrics above basically tell why this song is a foundation for me right now. Because of the multiple times I have jumped when I thought I should it’s all turned to disaster really but now that I am trying to turn things around and better myself and my life I guess it’s a question as to whether or not anyone would catch me when I fall.

Relient K – For The Moments I Feel Faint:

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

Another lyric in this song is “Never underestimated my Jesus”, which is something I really need to stop doing especially in the moments where I feel that the struggle ahead of me is impossible to come out alive from.

Unkle Feat. Gavin Clark – Broken:

We’re miles adrift; inches away.

The first time I ever heard this song was sitting in a movie theater watching the ending credits to The X-Files IWTB movie but after some massive overplay done by me I’ve come to be able to take something personal from the song. I guess the personal story for me behind it is one between myself and my relationship with God. The top line drives that home as where I want to be with him is far from where I should be but at the same time during some of the hardest times in my life he’s always been right there for me. It’s a work in progress for me and one that has to come together. The reality of what happens if it doesn’t is far more scarier than I care to think about.

Brandon Heath – I’m Not Who I Was:

Found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

I originally related to this song as one that reflects the situation between myself and my Dad. I even went as far as earlier this year to sending him a letter outlining that ‘I’m not who I was’ back then and added a file to this song for him to listen to. I can’t honestly say if he ever did listen to it. Or really allowed what I wrote to him to sink in. But, nonetheless, this song really relates to that situation for me and also the situation before me as I am trying to tell those around me, those that I love, that I am not who I was. However, I am wise enough now after all these years to realize that saying it and meaning it are a whole other thing on it’s own. Which, I suppose, is a lot of the reasons behind writing 100,000 Miles in an effort to be completely honest with those around me about the events in my life, the truth behind them and what I was really feeling. And to also show them who I was then but that it’s not who I am now.

Johnny Cash – God’s Gonna Cut You Down:

For me this song rings true in the way that I already stated that it seems all I do is run from the issues that lay before me. But this song is one that snaps me back into reality in the fact that I can keep running but eventually God is going to catch me and cut me down. There’s no escaping that and realizing that while imputing that into my life is fundamental.

Barenaked Ladies – I Have Learned:

I have learned to live with livin' with
Every choice we've made
But I would love to live with givin' this
Shaky voice some shade

Just pretty much what the lyrics above resonate is that I am learning to live with the choices I’ve made in my life, to never repeat them and to grab the lessons that are within them and apply them to today’s life.

Unkle feat. Gavin Clark – Heaven

Heaven's here for me and you
scattered out with pearls
Heaven's here for me and you
we gained ourselves the world

I’m entirely sure where this song really fits in like the rest except that it seems anytime I get really stuck with writing or come to the moment where I feel like this is just a waste and nothing something I should be doing this song just really gives me the energy to get back right into it and keep on pushing down with what I’ve already got.

Steve Jablonsky – It’s Our Fight:

There are no lyrics to this but just the instrumental, the build up, and the way it all just works together is always much needed during my times of writing to give me that push and to keep me motivated. It has a nice mesh of darkness and brightness to it that seems to really work around the way reliving moments of my past work their way to come out.

And that for the most part is the “soundtrack” to my writing of 100,000 Miles and no less as I continue to trek on with writing it there will be more to come out as I go on and keep searching for ways to relate to things going on and while I struggle with just having to relive some of my most horrendous ordeals that I put before me. And while there will be moments and days in which I feel just like scraping all of this and not going any further I also hope to continue to find the strength and signs within to be able to keep going. Because while it, for the most part, is not a happy story the person I hope to be at the end of it all and who I hope to grow into further just from retelling it all and letting others inside a part of my life that I’ve kept hidden for so long is someone I know I need to be and not continue to be who I was.

100,000 Miles is the story of my life and since music has always played a huge role in my life it only seems to make sense to include some of the music that has really made a profound mark in my life and while I struggle to keep on writing.

With that…

May this journey continue.